Flutterbyflyby3’s blog

I have planned a big goal examination.  It has not gotten done.  I have ordered & am waiting for the arrival of the book, Your Best Year Yet!  I have decided due to my cold and wanting to work through this book, that I will declare February 2, my NEW, New Year's!  I should have book by then!  I should also have all my goals sorted out!  I am using February 2, for several reasons.  I like having a holiday marker & while I considered Ghandi Day, Groundhog's Day & Imbolc felt more right for this goal setting event.

I have always liked Groundhog's Day.  My family was driving through Pennsylvania and I made my Mom drive an extra 40 miles to visit Punxsatawney & Phil.  He lives in the library window during the Summer.  My kids considered this one of my flakier adventures, but I notice they always mention seeing him in February.

The movie Groundhog's Day, is about doing things over until you get them right.  I bought this movie and watch it yearly.  I think there is a really important life lesson in this movie.

Imbolc, a Celtic Pagan holiday that falls halfway between the Winter & Spring Solstice falls on February 2, also.  It is the start officially of Spring - a time to put a spring into my step & heart!

I will be spending the next few weeks getting ready for my NEW, New Year's. I am feeling comfortable with my decision.  There was a time that missing the deadline would have upset me so much that I might have given up.  I have finally learned to roll with the punches.  So CHEERS!!!  Here is to  making life changes daily, one bit at a time

I am home sick this weekend.  I have a cold.  It is nothing life threatening, just one of those things that slows you down until you stop.  This weekend, I am stopped.

I have been keeping very busy between babysitting my grandson Chunk, my part time job at the bookstore and of course all the preparations and activity of the holidays.  I just reached the end of my energy.

Author Louise Hay suggests that disease is left over from unforgiven angers and other issues of the past.  I like her work, but I beg to disagree.I will not deny that the past can effect your heath.  However, the present certainly can do the same.  Most of my activities leading up to my cold were pleasant.  I enjoy my life, simple though it is, it is mine.

It is my belief, that after burning the candle at both ends, my body simply called halt!  I am enthroned in my bed surrounded by my dog minions, boxes of delicate tissues, quaffing copious amounts of tea, lemon & honey.  My air is perfumed with the scent of the Eucalyptus.  I have watched movies between naps and let myself luxuriate guilt free.

If all goes well, I expect to continue today this way, to fully recover.  Tomorrow, I will rise and put in a light day.  I am feeling better all the time, I just need a bit more time to sniffle the flowers.

I haven't posted here in a year, a very eventful year.  I have made a few major life changes, transitions.  I quit one of my jobs to stay home and watch my grandson Chunk. 

Chunk is what my daughter calls the Healer, the person who fills a bit of the hole left by Daddy.  He has a lot of Daddy's characteristics and looks, too!  The last few months have been fulfilling and healing.

I am doing the whole analyze my life, what have I accomplished this year, what comes next thing right now.  I decided one hole was blogging.  My blogs seem to b confined to some hurried notes in Chunk's baby book.  I think I should do a bit better that that!  So I am back, I hope!

Welcome 2008!   I haven't posted here in a long time, but I am slowly getting things together again.  I have high hopes for 2008, have revamped my goals quite a bit and am feeling happy about some of the things going on right now.  I am leaving for a week in Florida this coming weekend.  I think some away time should really help me gain some perspective.

I will be visiting my brother and his family, going with my Mom.  I will get plenty of time in with my family. It looks to be a fabulous start for a fabulous year!  2008 is going to be great!

I posted a new goal in 43T - Celebrate, Savor & Release my Daddy.  I am sure that there will be people who wonder about this as a goal. I think it is a very positive one, myself.  My Daddy is dying, he has a lot of health issues and has gone down hill drastically physically.

He is 74 and old guys die.  I have taken a lot of courses in death & dying, even  spoken on the topic.   Death is part of the life journey and to ignore it is just a symptom of our social ills.  I have seen over the years people treat others with a dying family member like a person with a communicable disease.  It makes no sense to me.  I have toyed with doing hospice work, but the timing hasn't been right. 

My dad has no specific health  issue to take him out.   He has a multitude of things that could take him including high blood pressure, a heart that functions at less then 50%, one damaged lung, diabetes.  He is  now on a very restricted diet from the food poisoning - if he lives a year it will be amazing.

Death is inevitable - it is the journey that is important.  My Dad has lived his life the way he wanted.  He is dying the way he wants, also his own terms.  Macular degeneration has rendered him almost entirely blind.  A man who read even more then I do - lives in a dark world.  He fights to utilize every bit of his sight,  I am the only person I know whose Dad has a Jeordie.  Yup, my Dad has the eye goggles to help read.  His computer reads out loud, he listens to blind radio and he is still aware & alert.

I will be 47 in days and have been blessed with one of the best dad's ever.  I will miss him when he leaves, more then I can imagine.  However, I OWE it to him to enjoy this last time & to let him leave when it is time without the pull of regrets.  He has always been there for me, now it is my time to be there for him.

Celebrate - Savor - Release...

I haven't posted here in awhile because this was meant to be a happy, positive blog.  Frankly my life has been too uneven to write in here.   It is the middle of May and with the year nearing half over, I am choosing to try and regain control.

I have cried a lot of tears and harbored a lot of fears.  There just reaches a saturation point!  Recently a few events have occurred in my personal life that gave me hope.  It is said that sometimes you need to hit the bottom to rise to the top.  I think the bottom has finally been reached.

I believe in symbols and reminders.  This period of my life I choose the Phoenix.  I have crashed and burned but I arise renewed.

The Phoenix is an immortal bird that never dies.  It appears in ancient cultures across the world.  Its appearance varies from culture and some traits.  In all that I have read about it is a symbol of transformation.

 http://www.mythicalrealm.com/creatures/phoenix.html

I think I am most partial to the Arabian myth.  A bird that is reminiscent of  a gorgeous red  and gold eagle with a song that could make the gods stop to listen.  Each incarnation lived a very long time.  At the end of its lifespan it built a pyre for itself out of aromatic herbs and then burned in the fore for three days.  On the third day, the young phoenix arises from the flames, gathers the ashes of its former self in an egg of myrrh and starts it new life.

The Chinese version also has some appeal and is appropriate to my life.  It represents the fusion of yin and yang.  It was worn by the Empress and usually paired with a dragon to represent the Emperor. Together they represent wedded bliss.

The Feng Huang originally were gendered: Feng - male - yang   and Huang - female - yin.  Adoption of it by the Empress meant that its pairing with the Dragon/male energy feminized it.  Or as my friend Daio said, it became a transvestite bird. 

A house in China decorated with the Feng Huang represented loyalty and honesty in the people who resided there.  The Feng Huang was only worn by people of the highest moral standards.

So this is my life and like the Phoenix, I renew and start again!

I understand that this is Blue Monday, Dr Cliff Arnall, psychologist and former tutor at Cardiff University, who has used mathematical equations to reach his verdict, that this is the most depressing day of the year.  He based this on the fact that Christmas is over, but often the debt remains, the weather, New Year's resolutions are often set aside, etc.

So was this Blue Monday for me? I didn't have a great day at the Ramp, pretty awful really, but I am not going to let it depress me.   Actually now out of my booth some of the bad moments are funny.   The  psychological evaluation test that was mandated to retain my job - collecting parking fees.  The questions on it were kinda bizarre, obviously meant to weed out chemical usage, severe violence issues and sticky fingers.  I don't generally have these issues, hehehe

The ramp raised its fees last week to a whopping dollar for two hours and after that three for the entire day.  CHEAP!!!   However, we have "regulars" that patronize a nearby motel restaurant.  They were only validating for 50 cents, so I had a lot of cars owing 50 cents.  I was the one to get the abuse.  Oh Joy!!!

My favorite was  the older gentleman in his luxury vehicle.  He squawked, ranted and threatened.  I politely and firmly said my hands were tied.  So, he "showed" me, he whipped out his wallet and while I saw 5's and 20's for sure, he very purposefully peeled off one of t the two hundred dollar bills to pay for his fifty cent charge.

I very politely made $99.50 in change, using as many ones as I could get away with, because hey, that is the majority of my till.  I think he felt a bit idiotic as I handed him the packet of 25 ones  wrapped from the bank.  I saw him look at that wad of ones and his wallet and the fives, then he sheepishly thanked me and almost apologized.

I imagine the motel got a nasty phone call, later and threats of loss of business.  Me, I smiled and chuckled.
1) I don't work for them, not my issue.
2) My daughter works for their chief competitor.
3) Anyone dumb enough to eat their overpriced, bad food should pay for parking.

So what does this all hafta do with blessings?  I guess to me, it means most things are funny given a bit of time.  That there are so many good things and people that the ick ones have their 15 minutes, but then are done.

I have some of the loveliest customers who I enjoy talking to on a regular basis.  I get paid to sit in a booth to read and study.  Paid quite handsomely for the energy expended, really!  I know that there are those that wonder how I went from teaching to a parking ramp booth.  I, sometimes wonder too, but life is full of twists, turns and adventures.  It is full of blessings, you just need to look!    Embrace life! :)

I had an unfortunate incident with the big dog, hot water and my right hand on Thursday.  I am presently wearing a cut up surgical glove to protect my first two fingers in order to DO things like type again.  So, as I try to read and get caught up on various things I learn I have been "tagged" and need to reveal 5 secrets. 

Hmmmm....  I have so few secrets - I am VERY open.  The things I don't talk about much are all pretty ick.  I doubt anyone really wants to read about my exceptionally bad taste in men, rapes and abusive marriage.  Sooo, things I don't talk about much:

1) I used to attend parties regularly & run into my son.  We shared a social group, friends that were friends of... kinda thing.  Someone once introduced me to him, we said we knew each other & then both giggled.

2) I am highly empathic

3) I helped start a charter school & served as Vice President of the School Board.

4) I have a degree in Home Economics, NOT Family Consumer Sciences... HOME EC!!!

5) I started to Massage School because both my shrink & bf of the time thot I needed something to do & I knew my family would be shocked.  I wanted something DIFFERENT!

It is my intention to keep this as my happy blog. Today has been kind of a crappy day & past getting my passport pic taken nothing was accomplished.
All day I was out of sorts and niccing worse then I have in quite some time.  I was sure I was going to bed cranky.

Then my Toad showed why he is also my Melting Man.  He listened to my rant about my Mom, and gave me good advice.  Yes, I had a meltdown over my Mom trying to control my life STILL.  There are times I feel like I am spinning on a wheel like a gerbil or hamster.  Expending an enormous amount of energy and not moving an inch forward.  My entire life my Mother has pushed me to be and do more. I have always been a failure at being what she wanted.  I move on my own path, always have which has made for a lot of stress between us.

A life of being told you are a failure can eat at your soul.  So, yes I need to hear that I am moving along steadily on my path.  Toad said what I needed to hear: "I think you should look in your heart, and if you still want to apply for the job on Thursday, go for it. Don't let others influence your decision, its your choice and be happy you have the choice to decide. If you feel like you don't want to apply anymore, then don't, I support you either way

I am going to bed tonight still not thrilled with my day or mother, but there is this warm glow in my heart, because I do carve my own path...and now I might have a companion, someone who supports and doesn't always condemn and judge.

The Boy occasionally implies that I am still an overprotective Mom.  I am, but with reason.  The other day I had my and don't use the stove while I am gone, talk with him.

He felt it essential to remind me that he is 21, nearing 22 years old.  I said I didn't care.  He said he cooks for others in his work.  I said, "I don't care, not in my house!"

Today I woke from a nap and yelled to him, "What have you burned?"

The house was filled with the most horrid, burned plastic smell.  He said, "Something,"  very quietly.

I yelled back, "Something plastic!"

"Yeah, I burned something plastic," he replied and then retreated to the dungeon.

The smell was horrendous so I headed for the kitchen, where I found my tea kettle, sitting on the stove with the spout top warped from melting. 

I yelled down to the basement, "You left the kettle on and the water boiled away, didn't you?"

He yelled back, "Yeah, but you were home, so it's okay."

He is right and I did wake from the smell,  He had better stay away from my stove if I am not home!  I know when he is cooking for others it is his job and he stays focused.  At home, he is too distractable, he may be 21, but he is still my little boy.