I posted a new goal in 43T - Celebrate, Savor & Release my Daddy. I am sure that there will be people who wonder about this as a goal. I think it is a very positive one, myself. My Daddy is dying, he has a lot of health issues and has gone down hill drastically physically.
He is 74 and old guys die. I have taken a lot of courses in death & dying, even spoken on the topic. Death is part of the life journey and to ignore it is just a symptom of our social ills. I have seen over the years people treat others with a dying family member like a person with a communicable disease. It makes no sense to me. I have toyed with doing hospice work, but the timing hasn't been right.
My dad has no specific health issue to take him out. He has a multitude of things that could take him including high blood pressure, a heart that functions at less then 50%, one damaged lung, diabetes. He is now on a very restricted diet from the food poisoning - if he lives a year it will be amazing.
Death is inevitable - it is the journey that is important. My Dad has lived his life the way he wanted. He is dying the way he wants, also his own terms. Macular degeneration has rendered him almost entirely blind. A man who read even more then I do - lives in a dark world. He fights to utilize every bit of his sight, I am the only person I know whose Dad has a Jeordie. Yup, my Dad has the eye goggles to help read. His computer reads out loud, he listens to blind radio and he is still aware & alert.
I will be 47 in days and have been blessed with one of the best dad's ever. I will miss him when he leaves, more then I can imagine. However, I OWE it to him to enjoy this last time & to let him leave when it is time without the pull of regrets. He has always been there for me, now it is my time to be there for him.
Celebrate - Savor - Release...
I haven't posted here in awhile because this was meant to be a happy, positive blog. Frankly my life has been too uneven to write in here. It is the middle of May and with the year nearing half over, I am choosing to try and regain control.
I have cried a lot of tears and harbored a lot of fears. There just reaches a saturation point! Recently a few events have occurred in my personal life that gave me hope. It is said that sometimes you need to hit the bottom to rise to the top. I think the bottom has finally been reached.
I believe in symbols and reminders. This period of my life I choose the Phoenix. I have crashed and burned but I arise renewed.
The Phoenix is an immortal bird that never dies. It appears in ancient cultures across the world. Its appearance varies from culture and some traits. In all that I have read about it is a symbol of transformation.
http://www.mythicalrealm.com/creatures/phoenix.html
I think I am most partial to the Arabian myth. A bird that is reminiscent of a gorgeous red and gold eagle with a song that could make the gods stop to listen. Each incarnation lived a very long time. At the end of its lifespan it built a pyre for itself out of aromatic herbs and then burned in the fore for three days. On the third day, the young phoenix arises from the flames, gathers the ashes of its former self in an egg of myrrh and starts it new life.
The Chinese version also has some appeal and is appropriate to my life. It represents the fusion of yin and yang. It was worn by the Empress and usually paired with a dragon to represent the Emperor. Together they represent wedded bliss.
The Feng Huang originally were gendered: Feng - male - yang and Huang - female - yin. Adoption of it by the Empress meant that its pairing with the Dragon/male energy feminized it. Or as my friend Daio said, it became a transvestite bird.
A house in China decorated with the Feng Huang represented loyalty and honesty in the people who resided there. The Feng Huang was only worn by people of the highest moral standards.
So this is my life and like the Phoenix, I renew and start again!
I understand that this is Blue Monday, Dr Cliff Arnall, psychologist and former tutor at Cardiff University, who has used mathematical equations to reach his verdict, that this is the most depressing day of the year. He based this on the fact that Christmas is over, but often the debt remains, the weather, New Year's resolutions are often set aside, etc.
So was this Blue Monday for me? I didn't have a great day at the Ramp, pretty awful really, but I am not going to let it depress me. Actually now out of my booth some of the bad moments are funny. The psychological evaluation test that was mandated to retain my job - collecting parking fees. The questions on it were kinda bizarre, obviously meant to weed out chemical usage, severe violence issues and sticky fingers. I don't generally have these issues, hehehe
The ramp raised its fees last week to a whopping dollar for two hours and after that three for the entire day. CHEAP!!! However, we have "regulars" that patronize a nearby motel restaurant. They were only validating for 50 cents, so I had a lot of cars owing 50 cents. I was the one to get the abuse. Oh Joy!!!
My favorite was the older gentleman in his luxury vehicle. He squawked, ranted and threatened. I politely and firmly said my hands were tied. So, he "showed" me, he whipped out his wallet and while I saw 5's and 20's for sure, he very purposefully peeled off one of t the two hundred dollar bills to pay for his fifty cent charge.
I very politely made $99.50 in change, using as many ones as I could get away with, because hey, that is the majority of my till. I think he felt a bit idiotic as I handed him the packet of 25 ones wrapped from the bank. I saw him look at that wad of ones and his wallet and the fives, then he sheepishly thanked me and almost apologized.
I imagine the motel got a nasty phone call, later and threats of loss of business. Me, I smiled and chuckled.
1) I don't work for them, not my issue.
2) My daughter works for their chief competitor.
3) Anyone dumb enough to eat their overpriced, bad food should pay for parking.
So what does this all hafta do with blessings? I guess to me, it means most things are funny given a bit of time. That there are so many good things and people that the ick ones have their 15 minutes, but then are done.
I have some of the loveliest customers who I enjoy talking to on a regular basis. I get paid to sit in a booth to read and study. Paid quite handsomely for the energy expended, really! I know that there are those that wonder how I went from teaching to a parking ramp booth. I, sometimes wonder too, but life is full of twists, turns and adventures. It is full of blessings, you just need to look! Embrace life! :)
I had an unfortunate incident with the big dog, hot water and my right hand on Thursday. I am presently wearing a cut up surgical glove to protect my first two fingers in order to DO things like type again. So, as I try to read and get caught up on various things I learn I have been "tagged" and need to reveal 5 secrets.
Hmmmm.... I have so few secrets - I am VERY open. The things I don't talk about much are all pretty ick. I doubt anyone really wants to read about my exceptionally bad taste in men, rapes and abusive marriage. Sooo, things I don't talk about much:
1) I used to attend parties regularly & run into my son. We shared a social group, friends that were friends of... kinda thing. Someone once introduced me to him, we said we knew each other & then both giggled.
2) I am highly empathic
3) I helped start a charter school & served as Vice President of the School Board.
4) I have a degree in Home Economics, NOT Family Consumer Sciences... HOME EC!!!
5) I started to Massage School because both my shrink & bf of the time thot I needed something to do & I knew my family would be shocked. I wanted something DIFFERENT!
It is my intention to keep this as my happy blog. Today has been kind of a crappy day & past getting my passport pic taken nothing was accomplished.
All day I was out of sorts and niccing worse then I have in quite some time. I was sure I was going to bed cranky.
Then my Toad showed why he is also my Melting Man. He listened to my rant about my Mom, and gave me good advice. Yes, I had a meltdown over my Mom trying to control my life STILL. There are times I feel like I am spinning on a wheel like a gerbil or hamster. Expending an enormous amount of energy and not moving an inch forward. My entire life my Mother has pushed me to be and do more. I have always been a failure at being what she wanted. I move on my own path, always have which has made for a lot of stress between us.
A life of being told you are a failure can eat at your soul. So, yes I need to hear that I am moving along steadily on my path. Toad said what I needed to hear: "I think you should look in your heart, and if you still want to apply for the job on Thursday, go for it. Don't let others influence your decision, its your choice and be happy you have the choice to decide. If you feel like you don't want to apply anymore, then don't, I support you either way
I am going to bed tonight still not thrilled with my day or mother, but there is this warm glow in my heart, because I do carve my own path...and now I might have a companion, someone who supports and doesn't always condemn and judge.
The Boy occasionally implies that I am still an overprotective Mom. I am, but with reason. The other day I had my and don't use the stove while I am gone, talk with him.
He felt it essential to remind me that he is 21, nearing 22 years old. I said I didn't care. He said he cooks for others in his work. I said, "I don't care, not in my house!"
Today I woke from a nap and yelled to him, "What have you burned?"
The house was filled with the most horrid, burned plastic smell. He said, "Something," very quietly.
I yelled back, "Something plastic!"
"Yeah, I burned something plastic," he replied and then retreated to the dungeon.
The smell was horrendous so I headed for the kitchen, where I found my tea kettle, sitting on the stove with the spout top warped from melting.
I yelled down to the basement, "You left the kettle on and the water boiled away, didn't you?"
He yelled back, "Yeah, but you were home, so it's okay."
He is right and I did wake from the smell, He had better stay away from my stove if I am not home! I know when he is cooking for others it is his job and he stays focused. At home, he is too distractable, he may be 21, but he is still my little boy.
I have a double bed. It should be plenty big for just me, but it is never just me. I usually have Chobi, 110 pounds of grumpy old Border Collie and Ryo, 55 pounds of golden lab/springer spaniel.
Chobi likes the end of the bed, so I am used to sleeping angled and am luckily short. Ryo likes to sleep next to me. On cold nights I have come to depend on the warmth of him snugged up to my back as I lie on my right side. He is like a leaky water bottle in that he provides much warmth (without the heat loss), but occasionally I get damp when he decides to randomly kiss me.
It is a very workable arrangement and for the most part the dogs and I sleep content. However, there are those mornings like this one, when in my sleep I roll over to my left side. I awoke this morning to a dog butt. Ryo insists on sleeping upside down. Luckily he usually is down to at least my shoulder so he is not exactly "in my face" but it is still not what I prefer to see as I open my eyes.
I have tried to move him to sleep head up, we have "discussed" it - to no avail. If I am not in the bed he will sleep the right way, he likes to lay with his head on my pillows and drool on them. If I get in bed, turned around he goes.
I am flexible, I flipped my head so that I was facing the other direction, thinking perhaps he needed to sleep South to North for some dog religious purpose. He flipped North to South and once again dog butt.
I am basically resigned to losing this battle. I have finally made my peace and found a small pillow to frame my head in case I roll over in my sleep. I have come to the realization that I am the guest in the bed. Possession is 9/10ths and they are there all day and night while I go off and do things like work to buy enormous bags of dog food. At least I do not sleep alone, but I wonder if any man will want to join my dog pile?
I am unsure how or why, but I keep "collecting" Swedish 15 year old girl msn friends. I get a new one every month or so. Today I got 4! Two were sharing a computer and then both added me. Later when I logged on there were two more request adds, so I imagine more of their friends. I finally have blocked a couple who do not speak English. It gets annoying to have them gibbering away on my screen.
The funny thing is I have a 14 year old Swedish girl friend. We met several years ago in a forum and have become friends. She is like a little sister to me. I have had her translate things for me from the non-English speaking ones. Or when the English speaking ones have a problem communicating an idea.
The things the Swedes and I talk about are very basic. I figure they are just practicing their English. The teacher in me has a hard time saying no to the thirst for knowledge. I swear I will never accept another one, but I do.
I wonder if I have a fan club in Sweden?
I awoke to the sound of a child's laughter this morning. I heard my baby downstairs watching something and laughing. I do not think that there is a sweeter sound.
When your child laughs it doesn't matter if he is almost 22. He is still your child. It made my whole day brighter and sweeter from the very start.
When he came upstairs I asked him what he was watching, "Jackass 2, hilarious!!!" *sigh* So, some things change. Ewwww....
It was a really quiet day. I spent the morning at the bookstore, taking down and storing the Christmas decs and putting up the January snowmen decs. Mole gave me my bonus for last quarter. Other retailers may be complaining but the bookstore broke records it appears from the size of my bonus. I was pleasantly surprised!
I took my new used desktop in for repairs and the guy wasn't there so I get to repeat that game again after work tomorrow. I came home & have mostly napped the rest of the evening.
The Boy had his orientation & starts training tomorrow AM. I think he is pretty excited. One of the houses he will be working at is across the street and down the block from my parents. My first bf grew up there. I am hoping that if he is already almost there I can get him to help my parents with things again. I have such high hopes!
